This weekend I Netflix’d the Garbage Pail Kids Movie — it was something else. My mother never allowed me to own/purchase Garpage Pail Kids cards or see the movie. Now that I am released from her tyrannical iron fisted rule, I thought I would show her what for and watch the movie anyway. Let me just say, any movie presented by Topps Chewing Gum is bound to be awesome.

The Garbage Pail Kids are midgets. They are not kids — although there is one midget sized baby. There’s the Fonz who starts every sentence with “AYYEEEE,” the black guy from Miami Vice who farts a lot, some chick who snots everywhere, and so on. These midgets escape from the Garbage Pail to battle the evil guy who looks like AC Slater and his gang of goons: Fat Courtney Love and Guy With Silver Arm Band.

The hero, Sean Astin’s brother (seriously), falls in love with AC Slater’s gf Tangerine. Tangerine loves to make 80’s dance clothes! But how will our hero ever relate to the uber-hip Tangerine? Obviously he will get his cadre of Garbage Pail kids to work in sweat shop like conditions to make 80’s dance clothes. I know it is weird.

Then some stuff happens and the Kids end up in The State Home for the Ugly which is a prison for people/things afflicted by things like “too skinny,” “too fat,” and “Too Gross.” The GPK’s are thrown into the “Too Gross” cell which is right below the “Too Skinny.” Who would you throw into the “Too Skinny” cell? How about Abraham Lincoln? No joke, seriously.

Some more stuff happens and Tangerine has a fashion show which the GPK’s show up at and cause a ruckus. The end.

Seriously the 80’s were weird.